走啦不如

每天至少想一次…

離去吧，離去吧。

然後你們說，留下吧，留一下吧。

你有好人的上司，應該珍惜。

是的，可是為何我仍是那麼不快樂？總像是夾在大人和小孩的世界中間，

在創作和理論的門檻之間，

我兩邊喝的奶水都不夠。

良禽擇木而棲，我明白。

可是，良木在前，

我對翼呢…？我有對翼咩？

-----

不是我想搞壞與designer的關係，

但事實是那個concept現在遲左，遲過個節日，真的冇可能work。老實說，你話沒問題，我都打左個突。那一刻，我專重你的專業意見，是的，我識咩吖…但我也有一點點覺得你緊張將件事係唔係都go ahead，多過做得好。可能你啱，但被你說服的只有一人。一對四，我可以點？

沒有人預計得到那大銀行proposal會阻了那麼多時間的，多得現在也hold up成個team。可是現在既然個期是變了，我們也沒辦法。我們也不好意思，你mark了retoucher，photographer，可是也不能就此為了要出一啲野而唔理好醜的拍了、execute了它。而我們之所以沒有要之前另外那個concept，除了因為佢唔掂，難道還需要其他理由？現在來把它翻兜，又有什麼理由？

it's all good for your highness to take it out on me, fine, i consider 40 % of my job is to deal with shit from others. it's just not going to solve any problem. but i am surprised to get shat on from big firms like ... jeez! 洗唔洗咁，一定要人地唔安落先得？我地都係好真心好認真咁同你傾，唔該你地幫忙皇恩浩蕩幫我地諗過第二個concept出來啦…唔係話一唔用你個concept就等如有心玩你卦？我未同你傾時已經被本公司一個視你地為御用一品大恩人的ger輩、含辛茹苦的教誨我我地個團隊如此下去唔檸掂，是我們內部矛盾的惡因種下出唔切的惡果，又係因為個brief唔清楚…如斯下去，影響佢同呢個御用一品長年建立的親密戰略性伙伴關係云云…

救命…

she ran ran ran

when i stopped stopped stopped
i stayed stayed stayed
as she went went went
i write write write
she left left left
i slap slap slap her
but she slept slept slept

（新）藥丸的第一天

手震：輕微
作嘔：沒有
焦慮：稍微加劇
精神：比前清醒
坐立不安：輕度
心跳：加速

how come i'd always wanted to be doing something else.
i always wish i was doing something else.
wish i was on the other side of the equation.
the other side of the coin.
always wish i was somebody else.
whoever else.
just not myself.

藥丸的第一天

第一天，神說，要有藥丸。
於是，大地就有了藥丸，一顆顆朱紅色，像布滿紅筋的眼珠模樣。
於是，我也就吃起藥來了。

早上起來，非常累，全身就像吃過了毒藥的痛苦。淚水偶爾還是會淌下的，
但總算...算了吧

靈感好像在腦部不停的轉著。

我已無能為力。

15 or More Things You Can Tell Yourself Every Day to Stop Feeling Like a Failure

You are already everything you’ve ever wanted to become. You’re not missing anything.

You are imminently worthy; All Things Pass.

Stop Time Travelling. Past and Future are imaginative illusions, only the Present exists. Anxiety and regret are trips outside reality. When you worry about something that has not happened — IS not happening to you right now — you are investing in delusion.
Worry is like paying back interest on a debt you haven’t even signed off on or benefitted from.

Stop Judging Yourself. You fulfill your life purpose, already, with every breath you take.

Your life purpose is not a JOB; it is the part of you that comes through no matter what job you do. You don't invent a life purpose — it is inevitable and it is pulled from you by other people. It's what other people get from you, not what you necessarily decide to give them.
Look at what others ask of you — what advice do they want from you? What do they ask you to perform? What assignments do they give you? It is a pattern — once you identify what it is, then you can simply do more of it. You can direct it with intention.

Define Success. Who is the author of this definition — you or someone else?

Stop perpetuating failure. Insanity is repeating the same patterns of actions and expecting the results to change.

Do things that you're good at.

Make a list of your personal heroes. Why are they your heroes? What do they do that you do too? Find someone who's already doing what you want to do and adopt their expertise, their process. Copy them, as a starting point.

Define the Thing you want to manifest with as much detail and emotion as possible; do not define HOW it will happen.

Don't Make Sure. Proceed on faith. Intuition and integrity are instantly delivered by your consciousness.

Put yourself on a Whine Diet. Pessimism is a bad habit. Start retraining your conscious mind to process challenge in a new context.
A Diary or Personal Journal is a particularly fertile breeding ground for manifesting negativity. There are two prescriptions that will, over time, cure pessimism and literally change your life - Gratitude and Challenge Renovation. To Renovate Challenges, try this: whenever you find yourself wanting to write down What Sucks — what problem has been thrown your way, what life has slapped you with — express it in terms of what you could do about it.

Name the forces and powers and entities you interact with in your life — personify them — and start having relationships with them, as opposed to letting them be DONE to you. Start relating to your Problems as entities you have hired to tutor, teach, and coach you through the lessons they bring.

Transform who you are and what you love to do into a project with a mission by teaching someone else how to do it.

Change the scale on which you operate. If you can teach one person how to do something you love, you can potentially teach millions. Employ a new vehicle. Maybe YOU should be an author.
Surround yourself with kindred souls. Again, publishing a blog is an incredible means to bypass the limitations of physical space, reach other like-minded individuals, and act as mirrors for one another.

What are you placing on the Throne of Your Attention? Anything you give energy to — positive or negative is irrelevant — attention is energy, and like attracts like.

Instead of focusing on what you don't want or what you want to remove, focus on adding more of its opposite. If you stop doing something, you create a vacuum. You create a hole through abstinence — simply NOT doing something is a misguided step in the right direction. Replace the old action with a new, more desirable one.

Prioritize. Fill your life with too many of the things you love — if there IS such a thing. If you prioritize correctly, after completing the things you MUST do, you start on the things you love — if you put enough things on the list, you'll simply never get around to the extra things you despise that you don't HAVE to do.

from Shift your spirits

trust your gut

not your gut feelings.

nauseous,
how shall i let you know
by singing or dancing (or typing
a fair plate of alphabetical insalata?)
that i care much less
about the choking world or the blue sky
clogged up or the sea breams going extinct
than dead bloodstream
than the crap in my veins
than the dreams i used to have-
those i manage to bury in vain
when only vanity remains
instead of sanity
instead of profanity
instead of the mesmerising tik tok
sound the alarm used to make-
on which i rely to stay awake
until the last shark is killed
for its fins and we have cockroaches for lunch
but then you see who would intend to live till
that day. anyway i was only joking
but the pebbles have been thrown
and the puddle did not move
did not wince or give a wrinkle -
only stagnant water, tears so old
they are no longer liquid
they smell like old people's groins
wrapped in the most unimaginative
nappies, or diapers if you prefer. old people
abandoned, albeit extremely beautiful-
by smarter cars and refrigerators for
bigger happier appartments
with szchwanky names in italian
or french, my vineyard his casa her villa
our utopia
oh la la.
oh my.
utopia oh la la.

終於把心一橫接了份長工的我，以後就要本著曾生的「務實進取」精神做好呢份工。雖仍是戰戰兢兢，但也驚不了那麼多。反正，我老細青檸梳打理應驚過我。

昨晚和今天都在看的書"Pale Fire"，是在愛丁堡時美國仔送的生日禮物，已讀了一半，當時覺得很艱深，雖然饒有趣味，卻是很字典-intensive的書...於是又放低了轉戰淺白又跟身心自然接軌的昆德拉。想不到個多月來沒讀過非有關氣候變化的書藉和報紙的我，重新拿起這本Nabokov竟又受到強烈的感動，讓我由充斥著二氧化碳、x氧化氮和步步高9型人格之謎的世界中獲得了救贖。

Pale Fire
by John Spade (by Vladimir Nabokov)
Canto One

I was the shadow of the waxwing slain
By the false azure in the windowpane;
I was the smudge of ashen fluff -and I
Lived on, flew on, in the reflected sky.
And from the inside, too, I'd duplicate
Myself, my lamp, an apple on a plate:
Uncurtaining the night, I'd let dark glass
Hang all the furniture above the grass,
And how delightful when a fall of snow
Covered my glimpse of lawn and reached up so
As to make chair and bed exactly stand
Upon that snow, out in that crystal land!

...

...

I was the shadow of the waxwing slain
By feigned remoteness in the windowpane.
I had a brain, five senses (one unique),
But otherwise I was a cloutish freak.
In sleeping dreams I played with other chaps
But really envied nothing --save perhaps
The miracle of a lemniscate left
Upon wet sand by nonchalantly deft
Bicycle tires.
A thread of subtle pain,
Tugged at by playful death, released again,
By always present, ran through me. One day,
When I'd just turned eleven, as I lay
Prone on the floor and watched a clockwork toy--
A tin wheelbarrow pushed by a tin boy--
Bypass chair legs and stray beneath the bed,
There was a sudden sunburst in my head.
And then black night. That blackness was sublime.
I felt distributed through space and time:
One foot upon a mountaintop, one hand
Under the pebbles of a panting strand,
One ear in Italy, one eye in Spain,
In caves, my blood, and in the stars, my brain.
There were dull throbs in my Triassic; green
Optical spots in Upper Pleistocene,
An icy shiver down my Age of Stone,
And all tomorrows in my funnybone.
During one winter every afternoon
I'd sink into that momentary swoon.
And then it ceased. Its memory grew dim.
My health improved. I even learned to swim.
But like some little lad forced by a wench
With his pure tongue her abject thirst to quench,
I was corrupted, terrified, allured,
And though old doctor Colt pronounced me cured
Of what, he said, were mainly growing pains,
The wonder lingers and the shame remains.

獲得救贖的同時，我卻沒有騰出時間來溫習普通話。星期二的考試，在完全考天才的情況下，我會有什麼等級呢？歡迎開盤

churning down below

churning，發酵者也。

to churn or not to churn, that is out of the question.

what is churning down below? 淆底是也。

也正是我現在的心情。

不多不少暗示了有點反胃。

很快我就會每天每秒的面對失敗，也就當作練就對住大老細的一面厚皮也好。

--------------------------------------------

靚仔靚女就快兩歲了。a小姐從櫃桶底摷出幾張bb照。真是b得緊要。

細細個已有個多愁善感樣的瘦肉仔。真的好瘦哇好驚驚…得對耳大的兩位。

到底有没有一直寫（打）的理由

假如在web 2.0的空間，一切更自由，
你對手打出你個口，
為什麼又要討報紙雜誌的歡心
不是自命清高懷瑾握瑜
是自問寫封好看的信都未夠班
對手打出我個口，
我個口又偏偏0翕唔出我個心
那麼寫了出來又給誰去看呢

看波叔出城的n 個理由

話說在前頭：
在多方好心警告話入場看王晶戲好過、上次看Ali G in Da House慘不忍睹的之景還歷歷在目，而偏偏咁啱有人請的情況下，我入場看了波叔。
好不好笑呢？答案是好笑的，幾。
但到底要不要睇呢？
那完全是另一條問題。

橋就是那一千零一條：
由Sacha Baron Cohen飾演的波叔，代表其「祖國」哈薩克斯坦到美國學嘢、拍紀錄片，把美利堅文明帶回鄉以提高祖國文化品位光宗祖云云。身兼哈薩克文化大使身份的「粗人」波叔於是出發，在美國成為Culture shock化身，拹「落後民族」之名理直氣壯地反猶太、恐懼基、踩殘障、小女人。如是者，波叔遇上/訪問的美國人，一個又一個的，在不知不覺間在言談舉止中暴露出更歧視、更恐同、更自欺欺人、自我勝利、偽善到出奇的精神面貌。容許我在這裡講句：以自身的無知揭穿別人羊皮底下的狼毛，Cohen實在耍家。

送埋一千零一點一條橋：公路電影。話說波叔在紐約酒店看Baywatch，對彭美拉安德遜一見鍾情，下定決心要跟彭小姐共赴巫山並過大禮娶回家。於是不惜欺騙紀錄片監製擅自更改拍攝路線，買車撤出巨蘋果直搗加州，途中經過華盛頓、西弗吉尼亞、德州、阿拉巴馬…沿途自不然遇上各階級人士、各色人等，包括波叔聲稱哈薩克人至怕至討厭的猶太人。

老實說完場時我的面部肌肉是有點累的，一半是因為大笑，另一半卻分別歸因於眼眉跳和張口結舌。我不斷問自己的問題是：我為什麼要來看這齣戲？於是有了另一個問題：為什麼他們要拍這齣戲？

英式反美Propaganda？
雖然動用的是美國資本，創作意念單位卻是英國人。Cohen固然是劍橋歷史系名譽出品，合編合導的隊伍中亦有不少是Cohen的英倫同胞。這套「公路電影」，就有被解讀為英國佬借哈薩克刀殺人，極盡揶揄美國佬價值之能事。可是大整蠱效果真箇如此嗎？一開場，波叔晒冷自己家鄉親友、身為全國「第四正妓女」的細妹、加大碼老婆、鎮中強姦犯等等，幾下手腳已在心口掛上了「我很無知，但我坦蕩蕩」的金漆招牌。初到紐約，波叔見人就握手high five，滿腔熱誠錫人左右面，一班文明人紛紛縮頭甚至走夾唔抖。在牛仔競技賽前波叔同當地人閒話家常，一中年牛仔好心忠告他早日剷除面上那二撇雞，免得被當成伊斯蘭教徒亦即恐怖份子看待。看到這裡我完全可想像自己那班熟慣與東亞裔及伊斯蘭教徒「共融」的英國朋友樂得掩住半邊咀五十步笑百步。相對而言對宗教非常理性的英國人，當然也要玩耶穌：到波叔經歷人生低潮，誤入一個基督教佈道會，聚會上一大班入迷教友手握手，又跪地又哭又大叫。有人拉了波叔上台，全部人將傻佬交託給神。那一刻教徒們按低波叔個頭要他let go的鏡頭，有一種荒謬令我覺得毛骨悚然，突然很現代啓示錄，突然你覺得最文明的西方宗教對於一個無知的人就好像圖騰迷信一樣，有一種暴力。這一段，戲院內漸漸無聲了。這個位，實在不是那麼好笑的。

肛門情意結
其後波叔學完dinning etiquette到一個牧師及其上等正經人朋友家作客，直指牧師老婆唔夠省鏡，又聽錯retired的主人家係retard，主人家還滿懷鼓勵的說文他差異實在很大，但有信心波叔好快可以進步並「美國化」。說時遲那時快，波叔去完廁所大解，唔識用抽水馬桶於是裝起一袋歸來求助，女主人一下子黑面。難得她還很有心機，燥燥地也肯親身帶波叔去toilet-train。怎料波叔天真無邪還有後著：擅自邀請了朋友赴宴——門外一聲叮咚，來者正是波叔電召之重量級（黑人）老鴇！儀態萬千的女主人這一刻終於忍不住下逐客令。

如是者，波叔基本上並不代表任何國家的個性或文化，也不能說是把茅頭特別指向美國文明。只是一個很誇張的虛構人物，將孩提原始的肛門期與文明的虛偽對比呈現出來。重要的是，對比並不是黑白的兩邊，而是一個光譜上不同程度的點。波叔學美國風俗禮儀，從個人角度出發，似乎唯一關心的就是sexy time。他的世界裡感觀先行，雖然如此，他對於猶太人、同性戀，有關女人、殘障人士、性行為以至婚姻制度，都有非常教條式的偏執信念。看他玩屎玩廁所水玩裸身扭打，固然是笑位頻頻，但觀眾笑的時候也自然地加入了文明的陣營，水洗唔清。就算你是覺得波叔的屎尿性器低俗唔好笑的，會不會也站在那個光譜上波叔身邊的一點，對別人有著類似的審判呢？代表的會不會是更接近飯局女主人的一種偽善呢？

我不是英雄
在不少網誌甚至影評有意無意的把波叔出城跟王晶戲作比，不少人覺得波叔媲美王晶戲的一大原因，是屎尿屁，大胸女人情意結，是其女友incompatibility——約女朋去睇戲，帶佢入場睇波叔飲廁所水、對住時裝公仔打飛機、擇急便，想死乎（坐本人右邊的女生全場好忙碌的叫OMG，OMG，I can't believe he just did that OMG）？然我想說波叔的粗鄙，並没有要你覺得他是市井英雄，並没有要你愛上他，選他做男子組代表。他既不需要你的認同，你只要坐在柔軟的座椅上指著他來笑，隔岸觀火。而王晶的電影，當然也有很多專做小丑的角色，但他們不會是你的主角，主角必然要讓你代入，過把癮復又化驗為夷。波叔的任務則是製造宭位，發放不安。比起Cohen 進軍美國的前作、頗爛的Ali G in Da House電影版來說，我覺得波叔的定位是拿捏得比較好的。他未至於像Ali G那麼把角色膨脹至一個想你學當成英雄/潮人的地步，卻同時令人覺得波叔可信而不可憎，不失卻電視原著角色設定中想諷刺的角度。

出城
說到這裡，你應該知道我的答案吧？是的，我認為波叔是一齣要拍、值得拍的電影。要看嗎？我覺得除非你很有興趣研究觀眾反應（分別到全港兩間上映戲院觀賞，觀眾席上都有戲可睇）又或仰慕Cohen，否則可以等。以片論片，它不見得效果比留守細瑩光幕好。將平日一集佔十分鐘的片集拍成長片，中間實在有堆砌的地方，好像摺紙一樣，露出膠紙痕。那些洒狗血的時候，波叔個人及整套戲本身都感覺尷尬。但我仍覺得波叔是值得拍的。因著波叔出城，波叔這個角色真的出了城，離開了英國第四台，離開了哈薩克斯坦，又進入了哈薩克斯坦，進入了美國，進入了政府正確的奧斯卡。現在才是應該是波叔發光發熱時代的開始。利用這個無政府狀態的身份，挑戰各文明國家建制（好失望他在美國竟然冇撞到華人），出席各大清談節目，上Oprah，Letterman，見Hefner，同哈薩克政府展開駡戰，開網誌來回應死亡恐嚇…

對我來說，這一切一切將波叔走進現實「玩大佢」的可能性，才是值得把他拍成長片上市集資的真正原因。

所以，Cohen竟然「賴」低波叔真身上台領金球奬，是令人多．麼．的．失．望啊﹗